This is a very complex emotion, that is difficult to put into words. The best way I can describe it is, "How do I know it's me?"I have known now for quite some time that I have the ability to manipulate people. In small fractures but non the less. I'm not claiming to have a superpower, but I do have a very good understanding of the mind. So, when I do something how do I know that I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do, and not because I have some hidden agenda. If it is hidden, then it's hidden so well I don't know it's there. But none the less I feel like everything I do I'm trying to manipulate someone out of it. I don't know how to shake this feeling. The main thing that I'm getting this feeling from, is my friends. how do I know that I'm doing what I normally do, or if I'm doing it because that's what I think they may like? How do I know that I'm not trying to get people to like me based on that fact. I don't want to have the feeling in the back of my mind that I have wronged the people that I care about. I do know that I'm foolish in thinking that some of these people can be manipulated. But I can help but shake this feeling. I also know that my few close friends know "The real me", if you will, and nothing could change how they feel about me. It's the new people that I meet. I have always known that I don't need everyone to like me and if they don't then I have had the mentality to just say screw it. But am I still seeking approval on a subconscious level? I guess that's where the real battle lies.

Also relating to this is finding a reason in everything. That's one thing I'm having a great deal of difficulty with lately. Allow me to give an example. I know this will cause some stir amongst my readers, but God. How do I know he's there, that he exists. I know you are supposed to just have "Faith" but the scientific part of me, and that's a big part, makes it hard. Are there just a great deal of coincidences? Are these just better know as an act of "Divine Intervention"? I can't decide on what I believe in. I have been subjected, no that sounds like it is bad....educated, on other religions and am now having a hard time to pick out what I do believe in. I know that there are teachings from each one that I like and follow, but as for a "God" I'm clueless. But for some reason, there it is again, I pray to a "God" that I have doubts is even there. I have always loved different views on religion, that would be considered iconoclastic, but this is how I feel.

Now please keep in mind that this is more than a simple doubt in faith. I have had those before. This is a doubt in reality and reason itself. The example of religion was just that, an example. But it goes much deeper, to the point that I'm not even sure there is a point in living. Don't take that as a suicide threat. If I was going to kill myself, I would never let anyone know. But that's off topic. I love my life, and am having fun with it, I'm just not sure what good it does. Other than the pursuit of happiness I'm not sure what I'm doing here, or what to do with the vast amount of life I have left. Only time will tell, but the thing about time is, it takes too long.